As a charismatic evangelist I know how important signs and wonders can be for someone who does not believe in Jesus. I have witnessed many healings and miracles over the years and I still pray regularly for signs and wonders to draw someone to God. Truthfully, in my own life, it has been the unanswered prayers that have brought me closer to Jesus, those things left unhealed that show me the depth of his love.

In 2016 we already had two children with serious medical conditions. My son Max has cerebral palsy and while that’s not life threatening, it seriously affects our life and we have watched him struggle with pain and muscle tone for seven years. Our daughter, Josie, has an extremely rare genetic condition that caused a stroke at age one and puts her at high risk for another stroke. When we found out we were having another baby, like with all the others, we were thrilled for another gift from God. Then at the 18-week ultrasound the doctor found something troubling and subsequent ultrasounds revealed that our new daughter, Louisa, would have Spina Bifida which was caused by a genetic disorder affecting her bone structure. We were devastated. To witness another child struggle while her brothers, sisters, cousins and friends run and play freely was an unbearable thought. Even the doctors had a hard time dealing with it. I remember one doctor awkwardly searching for the right words to say when confronted with a family with three completely unrelated, but very serious medical conditions; he said it would be mathematically impossible, “like winning power ball twice in a row!” We are a family who firmly believe in miracles. We have been to hundreds of healing services and we pray over our children every day, so in faith we began to pray for a miracle while our daughter was still in the womb. We asked others to pray and at one point it seemed like the whole world was praying for a healing in utero for our daughter, but it did not come and when our daughter was born, she was rushed into surgery and it was determined that she would have no use of her legs at all.

The Spirit was leading us into the desert once again. It was the most difficult time in our life, but God was there in Louisa’s hospital room and I heard him speaking clearly each day. We were surrounded almost constantly by our priest friends. We had Christmas Mass in the hospital waiting room with Fr. Dave Pivonka, and like the Nativity story, God was clearly coming into the mess of our lives even though we were devastated, worried about our future and even at times angry that he allowed this to happen.
 
Worrying about my wife and kids became a daily obsession. I was missing work, I was already getting behind on medical bills, our kids were staying with my in-laws for an extended period of time and I remember thinking that I am worried about every single thing in my life. I was praying in Louisa’s room and I remember the Lord just clearly saying, “Why are you so worried? You are in the center of the palm of my hand.” I knew I had to stop the worrying and surrender the fear to the Lord. The whole situation, even in the darkest times, seemed dripping with grace, but I just could not feel it at all. God’s presence was there, but it felt like he was keeping me at an arm’s length.

During this time one of the principles from Fr. Jacques Phillipe’s books that saved my soul and changed my perspective of this entire situation was the idea of asking what rather than why. In the midst of suffering, it is only natural to ask God why, but there is grace in suspending the question of why and asking God what instead. What am I to do in this situation? How can I love you best? It expresses an incredible trust in God to not ask why. It also turns a situation of despair into an opportunity of grace. This was the key for me. I was now seeing the Holy Spirit move and could feel God’s incredible providence and love even in the midst of the desert.

By Dave Van Vickle. Reprinted with permission from New Pentecost, Summer 2018